March 20th

Posted: March 29, 2013 in Uncategorized

Dear journal,

I’m getting faster with my running, which means I can do more laps of the field in the same amount of time. This fills me with a strange feeling of pride and success, but I suppose isn’t so weird considering the old magazines I found when I was converting Mother’s room to my room. They were fitness magazines, focusing on exercise and diet plans, and there were tons of tips about how to run faster, farther and more often – I guess it really did used to be a fairly normal hobby before the barriers went up and space to run became limited – not to mention the fear factor of seeing someone running within the barricade; people automatically think you are running from something, and their first reaction is that they should be running, too.

If I were poetic, I could say that perhaps I am running from some things: I run from my past, looking for a brighter future. I run from my insecurities, creating a more healthy body. I run from my feelings, creating a stress release, or “happy place”. Come to think of it, if I were poetic, I would be able to come up with a better way to say all of those things without making it sound so lame. This is why I just write journal entries, not poems.

The girls seem to be adjusted to school – they even mentioned that they were wanting to have a couple of people over tomorrow night for a study session prior to a test they have this week and asked if it would be okay to use the living room or dining room. I have no problem with that, as long as I know what time so I can make sure we are done eating dinner before people start arriving, not to mention it is only a couple of class mates, not the whole class. If I’m feeling generous tomorrow, I might even pick up some studying snacks – and by that I mean chop up some veggies and grab some dip from the store. It makes me feel matronly to admit it, but I used to always grab veggies as my studying snacks instead of junk food, because I knew the stress of studying would get me to eat tons of whatever was in arms reach – and that is how I got my recommended vegetable intake.

The bags under Nick and Ellen’s eyes are growing pretty deep, but I think they have another day off coming up soon, which they really need. I made sure to grab all their dirty clothing while they were away today and had it washed, dried and folded by the time they got home. The look of exhausted gratitude as Ellen grabbed a clean towel from the stack and headed for the shower was well-worth the effort. They are really working hard to rebuild the community, and it is the least I can do to try to help them relax once they hit quitting time. When they finished dinner and headed back toward their basement suite, they both looked like they would be falling asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillow.

In a way, I feel like a support worker; I have people around me who need someone to lean on, or a little help now and then, and I fulfill that need. The crazy thing is they never seem to expect it of me, and always seem delighted and grateful whenever I make a kind gesture. Perhaps they just aren’t used to having someone around to help them. Perhaps they are used to having to carry the load all by themselves. I certainly know how that feels, since my Mother died when I was quite young and I’ve never really had anyone around after that, but I had Rick for support until he died, and the Kevin, until the same happened to him. Maybe they are my new line of support.



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