March 18th

Posted: March 26, 2013 in Uncategorized

Dear journal,

I wish I could say that my mood has improved since yesterday, but today was another day of low energy, fear, no appetite and a lack of wanting to do anything outside of going back to sleep. What the hell is happening to me? Why is the sad reality of the world I live in hitting me so hard all of a sudden? Part of me feels justified in taking some time out to feel depressed about it all, whereas another part of me thinks I am an idiot for letting it get to me and keep me from not only my duties, but the things I supposedly like to do in my spare time. Case in point: I almost didn’t bother picking up the journal today, but it has been staring at me from the night stand all day and I think the guilt finally won out.

I could hear the girls checking answers between each other this afternoon, getting whatever homework they were assigned over the weekend done. Ellen came up to check on me and brought me another tray of food. I made more of an effort this time, but I barely tasted anything (which is not an insult to her cooking, because part of me knew that it looked delicious and probably was delicious, but I just was not in the mood). Nick and Ellen were out of the house for most of the day – at least that’s what I assumed, because the house was so quiet outside of the girls chatting about essay questions and equations. I assume they had more work to do. No one even asked me if I would be making meals today – they must all still think I’m sick and are willing to fend for themselves rather than catch whatever it is they think I might have.

I hope that I snap out of whatever this is soon, considering I will need to restock the pantry and fridge sometime soon, and that is not something I will just pass off to one of the tenants – it just wouldn’t be fair. I’m actually of sound health, as far as I know, and there’s nothing wrong with my arms or legs, and I haven’t forgotten how to walk or dress myself. I think the first goal for tomorrow is to actually get out of bed, shower and get dressed in proper clothing (as opposed to the pyjamas I have been wearing all this time). Maybe that will be the push I need to get me out of this room and back into the world. Maybe I will even feel up to getting back on the field and going for a run, as long as the rain that was splashing all over the town today decides to take a day off.

Around dinner time, Mandy poked her head in my door after knocking timidly and asked if I wanted her to bring me up any of the leftovers they were planning to have for supper. I politely declined and thanked her for the offer, saying I was probably going to go back to sleep any minute now. She passed me a steaming hot cup of tea, anyway, for which I was actually grateful. I burned my tongue at first, but that somehow woke up a little and forced me to stay awake long enough that the guilt-stare from this journal won and I now feel like I am just rambling to fill space and delay going to sleep, even though I have a feeling that tomorrow will be a better day.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t think that sleep can fix whatever it is that I am feeling these days, but I don’t think it hurts, either. This makes me miss Rick all of a sudden, because he would be able to figure out what’s wrong with me and tell me how to fix it after one conversation. Now I feel like I no longer really have anyone to talk to. That didn’t used to be a problem, considering I am content being an introvert, but there are certain things that I cannot seem to do all by myself. Not yet, anyway.



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