March 7th

Posted: March 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

Dear journal,

We heard what we assume were explosions a couple of hours ago, and they sounded like they came from down the street. I’ve never heard an explosion in person – just on television shows or in the old movies I have found in Mother’s stacks of junk – but when we all ran for the window closest to the sound, there were flames and a lot of enraged-sounding zombies. A few of them seemed to be on fire, and the protector in me pushed Mandy and Penelope back from the window. Reflecting on it, I’m sure I would have been pissed off if someone had pushed me around when I was seventeen. I was on my own at that age, but so are they, technically; I just didn’t have anyone besides Rick to talk to about it, and I suppose I see a little of myself in them.

The explosion scattered quite a few of the zombies, and we all decided to get away from the window in case we drew the zombies attention once the frenzy stopped. Before I put the curtain back, I saw half a dozen Recovery Team members storm into the street, guns blazing. I hope this means that things will get back to the way they were soon, but I don’t know how much of this will have damaged the girls, since they were just getting used to going to school here.

When did I become such an old woman? Seriously, I’m acting all protective of girls who aren’t even that much younger than me, and I’m treating my tenants like children. I even cook and clean for everyone. That seemed like such a good, value-added thing before, but now it seems terrifying in a lame sort of way. Am I really going to live the last few days of my life acting like the childless Mother to my tenants while a boy who, at one point or another, liked me just sleeps on my floor in a pile of blankets and towels?

I’ve never really put much thought into settling down and having kids of my own, mostly because I live in a world that would be a terrible place to raise kids, but perhaps I should be putting more thought into finding someone to spend my life with. Even though this is a stressful time, Ellen and Nick seem happy together. They can comfort each other in ways that I have never felt comforted (and no, I’m not talking about the strange squeaking noises I heard coming out of the room they were sleeping in last night). When times are tough, even though she is a little bit of a mess and he wants nothing more than to get out there and fight, they have each other.

This all makes me think that life is way too short and I shouldn’t have been so harsh with Andrew. I’m so afraid of getting hurt that I just cut everything off when it might have worked, given a little patience. I’m obviously very new at this dating thing, and I think I messed it all up.

I’m going to tell Andrew that I want to try again. If it is a terrible idea and he’s not interested, he’ll tell me, right? That means that I have a failsafe in case this is a stupid idea. I still want to take things really slow, but I am going to try not to be so scared of everything going wrong. There is no time for that kind of self-doubt. I want to find someone to spend my life with, and I want to try my best to make sure that happens. I think I have had enough zombie-related adventures for a life time, and I just want to keep growing up with someone to look out for me, instead of me spending even ounce of my strength taking care of other people (I’ll still be a land lady, but I’ll be less intense about it).



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