February 13th

Posted: February 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

Dear journal,

Not only am I now worrying about getting the house in order before the new people arrive in our town, now I have to worry about Andrew and his intentions.

He tried to kiss me last night. It was completely unexpected, which we were hauling trash out of the basement, and even though I handled it well in the moment, it is poking at my nerves, making it impossible to sleep. As he sunk in, and I figured out what was about to happen if I didn’t stop it, I placed a palm on his chest, looked him in the eye and said, “I don’t know if I can do this.” He stopped, but held his ground, and just looked back at me, then pulled me into a hug, kissed the stop of my head and then went back to sorting. It simultaneously felt like it took an eternity and was just a blink of a moment. Later, when he was getting ready to leave, he said, “You know, I really do like you, but I don’t want to push you, so if you decide you want to be with me, the next move is yours.” He didn’t say it in a sad way, or an angry way – he was completely calm, gave me another hug for a split second and then was gone.

He was here all day again, helping clear out the basement (which is coming along really well now that I have help) and didn’t mention it again. I think he is serious, but I don’t know if I can jump back into trusting him that much when he disappeared with no warning. When he first arrived, I thought it was going to be awkward, but he was amiable and joking while we worked, which felt natural and easy-going. I didn’t start feeling worried until he left and I reflected once more on what he had said about the next move being mine.

Obviously, I could just never take that move. That would keep things as they are – we are friends, and things are easy. Besides knowing in the back of my mind that he would like more, things are comfortable. I don’t think I am ready to mess with that. It is probably best if I just leave things as they are, considering I can always change my mind way down the road if that is what I end up wanting.

Fine, that’s settled. No more over complicating the situation – we are friends, he is helping me, I am feeding him and there is no pressure for advancement of any kind unless I decide otherwise. Simple, right?

As far as the basement suite goes, there is a book shelf that is salvageable, but I am going to have to find a bed, a wardrobe and maybe and table and a couple of chairs to make it habitable. That reminds me – I should get a few sets of linen, so if there is a backup in the laundry situation when I have a full house, people can still have clean sheets.

I also came to the realization when I was cooking dinner that I am going to have to be extremely organized when I grocery shop for the dinners I am providing the tenants as far as portions go – making sure I have enough to feed everyone. I feel like my life consists of endless lists at the moment.

Always,
-Miriam

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