February 5th

Posted: February 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

Dear journal,

I slept really late after exhausting myself yesterday and haven’t gotten around to doing anything productive (and it is nearly 9pm). I might just have to call this a rest day, because there isn’t much point in starting anything now, unless I want to stay up all night, start keeping strange hours and have the neighbourhood become convinced that not only do they have the deal with zombies on a semi-regular basis, but also fend off a vampire. I’m pale enough to begin with, so I should probably keep myself from getting too weird, especially if I plan on eventually taking in tenants.

The closest I came to social interaction and productivity was accusing Andrew of stalking me when I spotted him as I took a couple of bags of trash out to the corner for pick up. He tried to pretend that he wasn’t there to check up on me, and was just going for walk after his shift at work, but I didn’t really believe him. I feel slightly special that he is concerned, and I figure that we might be able to be friends, but I don’t think I would be able to deal with anything more involved than that. With friends, interactions are more lighthearted and all together easier, but even the short wave of intimate interactions we had were far too intense for my liking. I’d rather work on being social on a much more basic level, get better at that, and then, perhaps, if I find someone nice, I’ll try that whole dating thing again.

I offered a cup of tea to “just walking through the neighbourhood” Andrew, and only realized after he left that I must have looked a mess – even now, I am still in my really warm, ratty, comfy pajamas that aren’t exactly flattering, and I haven’t brushed my hair all day. Perhaps that is what friendship is meant to be like – having someone come over and not caring if you are dressed to impress. Having friends should be able them liking you for who you are, and if that means occasionally sleeping odd hours after a tragedy and getting really involved in a chore that is way over due, so be it. We chatted a little bit about how I won’t be going back to work at the shop, and how I’ve dived into cleaning the house. The way he glanced at the stacks that are still settled in the living room made me think he didn’t really believe me, so I explained that I was starting at the top and working my way down. He tried to keep his skepticism to himself, but I’m sure I saw a smirk hiding behind his tea cup.

Other than that, I’ve really just been lazy and let my mind wander while either lying on the couch with the television on, or lying in bed with some music playing, but it both cases I wasn’t really paying attention to what was around me. I’m just in such a strange mood, and I am having a hard time trying to describe it. Perhaps I am just tired from going to bed so late, and then waking up so late, and this mood will go away once I go back to bed tonight. It seems like I am tired but unable to relax, as though I have some horrid deadline looming on the horizon. I don’t have any real deadlines to speak of, besides either starting to take in tenants or getting a new job before my savings dries up, but that won’t be for a very, very long time, since I tend to save my money very well, and still have a lot of what was left to me by Mother.

Hopefully this won’t turn into some melodramatic mood where I start doubting what I am doing with my life and start self-sabotaging any plans that I set my mind on. If there is even a hint of that being the case, I’ll sit down, do a full Pros/Cons list with my new life decisions to slap some sense into myself (or realize that I should be taking a different course – you never know, the outcome of the list could point me elsewhere).

Always,
-Miriam

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