January 19th

Posted: January 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

Dear journal,

Andrew got the job! He starts tomorrow. I’m really happy for him, considering it is a pretty limited employment market. I don’t know many of the details, but I did take him out for dinner to celebrate. That sounds way fancier than the burgers we had at the dinner, but he seemed enthusiastic and it feels like things are going in the right direction.

When we got back to my place, Andrew asked why he never got a tour. I figured that since he has seen the worst of Mother’s downstairs hoarding, there was no reason to keep them upstairs shrouded in mystery, so I made a fun game of taking him around, telling him little stories about things that had happened when I was growing up.

The subject of my Dad came up, but I brushed it off quickly. I don’t talk about him. Andrew didn’t push, which is good because I can get pretty defensive about not wanting to open that door. I just opened a few physical doors and let Andrew gaze at the crap that has been blocking me from taking the master bedroom. While he fought to right an avalanche he caused by stepping too close to a junk pile, I quickly poked my head into my bedroom to make sure there was nothing embarrassing lying around. That’s how this journal ended up under my pillow, and I had a small heart attack when I came to bed, afraid I’d lost it.

Andrew lingered the longest in my room out of all of the rooms. Granted, that might be because it is the one with the most walkable floor space, but it also kind of felt like he was breathing it all in. Is it wrong that I felt like I was being judged? Not necessarily in a bad, I’ve done something wrong, sort of way, but in a way where he could be figuring things out about me that I haven’t told him.

Or maybe I was just a nervous wreck because I had a boy in my room for the first time and all I wanted to do was kiss him. So I did.

Don’t jump to conclusions, journal, we didn’t take things very far. It was just nice to be the one to take the leap for once, but even though I started it, and Andrew was, well, enthusiastic, he understood when I eased the brakes on. He even looked at me and said, “Right, slow, I can do slow,” before kissing me long and deep while just wrapping his hands around my waist.

I must say, I am quite a fan of slow. It makes my skin tingle, and sometimes it takes my breath away. Eventually we wandered back downstairs, made some tea and curled up on the couch. I don’t even know what he watched, as I fell asleep next to him pretty quickly. I only woke up when he tried to slide out to use the bathroom. Since I’m pulling another early shift, I kissed him goodnight before going back up to my room (where I had the aforementioned panic attack regarding the whereabouts of this journal) and turned out the lights after my heart slowed down. It is just my luck that my previous nap made me wake up way before my alarm clock, so I had time to update you on my adventures, even though they haven’t taken me very far. Then again, it’s not as though I actually can go very far in our barricaded town before hitting a wall, is it? I have seen some people who seem fixated on what is on the other side, always looking over. What do they hope to see? What do they hope to do? Where do they hope to go?

Always,
-Miriam

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